Sunday Snippet April 12, 2015

Posting a few excerpts from a UFO (UnFinished Object) that is in my “Novels I’m Ignoring” file.  It’s a rough draft of a science fiction novel called The Onyx Sun and I just reread it and I don’t hate it anymore so it might get edited and finished someday.

Keep in mind this is a very rough draft of something that I haven’t even looked at since last August or so.  Oh, and ignore weird punctuation.

This follows from last week in which Taliya learned that her grandmother died while she was away, negotiating a mining contract on another planet.

She has just returned home.


Taliya stared at the mansion that loomed before her: maybe it was because she had been called home for her grandmother’s funeral, but her mother’s house seemed overwhelmingly reminiscent of a mausoleum, and she shuddered as the ornate doors opened in response to her presence.  As she stepped into the empty foyer its vaulted ceiling and unadorned walls instantly made her feel stifled, suffocated: it was like this every time that she returned from having been away, as if the part of her that was real couldn’t pass through the doorway, and the part of her that did pass through was little more than a construct, created by her mother — or maybe for her mother.

“Mistress Taliya.”

She winced inwardly — she hated being called Mistress — and turned to face the speaker.

“Regino.”  Her voice was warm as she greeted the butler, even as her eyes darkened with worry: the man was not making eye contact with her, a sure sign that either she was in trouble or that she was not going to like what he was going to tell her.  “Where is Mother?” she asked. 

“She is in her office.  She said she had a few things to take care of.”

“Grandmother’s funeral?”

Regino looked even more uncomfortable.  “I am sorry,” he said.  “It was held the day that she passed.”







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Filed under writing

22 responses to “Sunday Snippet April 12, 2015

  1. Karen Michelle Nutt

    Great imagery! I could see and feel what she felt as she entered the mansion.

    Poor Taliya. Her mother is really something else. Guess she couldn’t have let Taliya know they already had the funeral.

  2. Whoa… For a very rough draft, that’s an amazing scene! I love it.

  3. chellecordero

    Wow, poor Taliya thinking she would be there for her grandmother’s funeral. So why was she called to come home for the funeral? What else could be going on?

    • That’s one of the things I’ll be fixing in the edit. She was informed her grandmother had died — she was’t actually called home for the funeral. (And if she hadn’t finalized the contract she was negotiating Maureena wouldn’t have told her until she had — she didn’t want her to be distracted from her job.)

  4. That’s a mighty fast funeral!
    Great snippet, great description. Liked it.

  5. You create a great feel her Paula…the environment as strong as her dissociation of it…well done 🙂

  6. …as if the part of her that was real couldn’t pass through the doorway, and the part of her that did pass through was little more than a construct, created by her mother — or maybe for her mother.

    This is perfect, Paula. Simply perfect. I have a feeling I’m not going to like Taliya’s mother, much.

    (feel better! 🙂 )

    • Thank you, Sarah. And you haven’t even begun to hate Taliya’s mother yet!

      Sciatica is feeling better but I can’t sit for more than half an hour or so at a time. This is going to put a major crimp in writing…

  7. siobhanmuir

    Oh that’s enough to make fury rise. Great snippet, P.T. 🙂

  8. I wonder why the funeral was held so fast. Personally I hope that Taliya is going to go all Oren Ishii on her mum. What the hell is wrong this her? She is so insensitive!

  9. Dang. Funeral done and over with so fast. I’d be mad. Great snippet.

  10. I love the visuals in the intro to this snippet. It almost felt like one of those classic gothic haunted house stories for a minute there.

  11. I really like the bit about the construct. Places with strong history/memories have that effect on people, stripping away who they are outside of that place. I also enjoyed the interactions with the butler and the conflict ahead.

  12. Great imagery. The poor girl must have gone through some hard times here. Now I’m wondering why her mother called her.

  13. Very interesting! I’m curious why they didn’t let her know about the funeral so she could be there. Something seems wrong…

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