I think I am too tired to be alive.
For those who don’t know, I’m a nurse at a long term care facility. I work evening shift (3 to 11) part time (four days a week) and my schedule varies: this past week I was off on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday.
On Friday I dragged myself to work and found out that one of my residents had deteriorated rapidly since Monday.
Friday night into Saturday I stayed up too late. And by “late” I mean that I went to bed around 4:00 in the morning.
Saturday I dragged myself to work.
Saturday into Sunday was the time change, and on top of losing an hour I didn’t sleep well. I woke up two or three times and when I did sleep it wasn’t deep and was more like waking dreams. Weird dreams. The kind of dreams that make you doubt your sanity.
Sunday I dragged myself to work and found out that another of my residents had gone downhill since the night before.
And in the course of my shift I found that another had done the same.
A long time ago I coined a phrase that describes me right now: “pemmed out.” It stands for Physically, Emotionally, and Mentally exhausted.
And I get to drag myself to work again today.
I’m half tempted to go to bed without doing any writing, but it is times like this that writing is needed.
I need to lose myself in the world I’ve created, interact with the people who live in it, let my emotions color the story.
And the emotions fit the scene that I’m writing.
One character is dead: another is mourning him and trying to come to terms with his death and his part in it.
One character is critically injured: another is watching over him and trying to come to terms with his injury, the death of the other, the turmoil of another, and a few other things as well.
One character is pragmatic enough to know that he can’t do anything about any of the above so he’s going to sleep so at least one person is able to function the next day.
One character is reluctantly going to go lie down but will spend what’s left of the night awake and worrying.
And in the morning they all have to explain to a five year old what happened.
It sort of puts my problems into perspective.