Sunday Snippet January 18, 2015

More from the very rough first draft of my current project.  The following excerpt may or may not have been creatively edited to fit the 10 sentence limit, or to at least come close to it.

Skipping ahead from last week — Ta’elsin and Berrebren are in the castle and have been ushered into a room where two men and a woman are waiting for them.  The men are the king (who still needs a name *sigh*), and his brother, Mishelzon.  The woman is the Royal Wizard, Traeasyun.  Introductions complete, Traeasyun speaks first:


“Thank you for coming, Berrebren, your expertise will be much appreciated.”  The woman’s voice was smooth, but reminded Ta’elsin of snake slithering across a rock.

“I am honored to have been asked to attend,” Berrebren replied, bowing, “and I hope that I may be of some assistance.”

Her gaze fell on Ta’elsin, dismissing Berrebren from her notice.

“An apprentice, Berrebren?  That’s not like you.”

“A repayment of a debt, Traeasyun.  Sagyl had taken him in but died without finishing his training and I owed him a favor.”

“Has his training been completed?”  Her eyes, one pale blue and the other such a pale green as to appear translucent were fastened speculatively on Ta’elsin.

“Near enough,” Berrebren responded off-handedly.  “He has been taught the arts, but he lacks experience.”


(The prologue is available on Wattpad if you’d like some background information.)


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Filed under writing

20 responses to “Sunday Snippet January 18, 2015

  1. I think I’m going to like disliking this woman, Paula—her description is tres creepy, in the best way. 😀

  2. siobhanmuir

    I think Berrebren would be wise to watch what he imparts. Great snippet, P.T. 🙂

  3. Gem

    This is a very creepy character. She reeks evil. Well done! 😀

  4. Hmm…wonder what the wizard has in mind for the inexperienced apprentice… probably something not in his job description, I’m guessing.

  5. I’m hearing the word, “creepy”, used a lot in repsonse to this snippet & I have to agree… Nice work!

  6. Intense and creepy snippet. Love it.

  7. chellecordero

    I really like this line “The woman’s voice was smooth, but reminded Ta’elsin of snake slithering across a rock”
    She also sounds cold-blooded & calculating, sends me shivers.

  8. She doesn’t only sound “snaky”, she comes across like one too. Well done.

  9. The woman is very well introduced with contrast that make her instantly interesting.

    Two little things. First, “dismissing Berrebren from her notice” seems like a POV violation. Second, “were fastened speculatively” seems like a missed opportunity to show me her face and expression.

    Both are 100% to be expected in a first draft, but I thought I’d mention them anyway, in case you’d find it useful later. 😉

  10. Karen Michelle Nutt

    I received the creepy vibe. Great snippet. I’m assuming we’ll find out a lot more about her.

    • Oh, yes. She’s in all three books, more or less. (I’m writing book two now and she doesn’t put in an actual physical appearance, but her presence is definitely felt.)

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