First, thank you to all who commented on last week’s snippet and gave feedback and advice. It’s been jotted down to fix when I get there in editing. (I’m sorry I didn’t get to reply to posts — it’s been a rough week at work.)
More from Sanguine, a science fiction novel (still being edited) with elements of semi-paranormal M/M romance.
(The following lines may or may not have been hacked and recombined and creatively punctuated to fit into 10 sentences.)
Skipping ahead a bit from last week. Murray has arrived and Kaen and Trini are watching through the security system as Gregor goes to the airlock to bring him on board.
Murray Alexander was not what Kaen had expected: the security camera showed him a young man, tall and well-muscled yet somehow giving the impression that he was a 90 pound weakling. His shoulder length brown hair was pulled back in a pony tail and his light brown eyes were down when they weren’t darting back and forth, and his body was hunched forward as he waited for the airlock to open. He was maybe Gregor’s age although Kaen had doubts that he was old enough to be considered an adult.
Gregor reached the hatch and Kaen flipped on the audio as the inner door opened and Murray entered.
“G-Gregor!” he said, startled. “I — I thought… Trini told me that she was working on this ship and that…” He stopped, flushed bright red, and stared at the floor again.
“It’s all right, Murray, you’re in the right place. Trini’s our Chief Engineer. Come on, I’ll take you to meet the captain.”
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Murray definitely appears to have some social issues. I suspect he’ll fit right in. 😀
I missed last week’s, somehow, but I just went back. I adore Murray already—I get the feeling that he’s going to shine under pressure. Eventually. 🙂
It sounds like he needs some socialization. Great snippet, PT. One suggestion. You might want to restructure the sentences in a way so you won’t use as much “was”. It will make the narrative more active and present for the reader. Message me if you’d like suggestions. 🙂
Poor Murray seems a tad awkward, but I’m betting he’ll come to have a major role in the story.
Interesting first encounter.
Maybe cameras in that era will be more precise, but currently, don’t they add a few pounds?
Well done!
Good introduction of the character. Youv’e given us a lot of information in a very short space.
Wonder how he feels about vampires.
Great description. I got a definite mental picture of the newcomer.
Hum, I think Murray is going to be an interesting character.