Sunday Excerpt — July 6, 2014

More from Sanguine, a science fiction novel (still in progress) with elements of semi-paranormal M/M romance.

(I am done with beta readers, and Sanguine is in next-to-final-edit stage, so this is still a work in progress and the following lines may or may not have been hacked and recombined and creatively punctuated to fit into 10 sentences.)

(Actually, this more than 10 sentences but I gave up cutting them down, and they’re short.  I’ll try to do better next week.)

Moving on from Trini to introduce another secondary character.

Kaen, Gregor, and Trini are getting Trini set up in the ship’s computer systems, and Trini asks if they have started advertising for crew yet.


“Do you know someone?” Gregor asked.

“I… I might know someone looking for a computer position.”

“Oh?  Who?”


“Murray?”  Gregor stared at her.

Trini flushed defensively. “He’s very good at what he does.”

“Yes, but he’s… Murray.”

Kaen looked at the two of them quizzically.

“He’s… shy.  And awkward.  And… okay, he makes me look confident,” Trini sighed.  “But…”

“But he’s probably the best computer hac… tech… in the business,” Gregor admitted.

“And you won’t see him much,” Trini said defensively.  “You know how he is, Greg.”

“How is he?” Kaen asked, amused by their conversation.

“Shy,” Trini said.

Gregor laughed.  “Reclusive is more like it.”

“You’re making me curious to meet him,” Kaen said, but dark blue eyes fastened questioningly on Gregor.

“I have no objection,” Gregor said.  “In fact,” he added, “I would love to have him on board.”




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Filed under writing

9 responses to “Sunday Excerpt — July 6, 2014

  1. Gregor would love to have him on board, eh? Intriguing… :)

  2. elainecsc2013

    That’s interesting. We’ll have to see why Gregor wants him on board. I’m looking forward to meeting this guy.

  3. Kaen’s not the only one interested in meeting Murray. Nicely done.

  4. Gem

    Assembling a team and weighing the pros and cons of who can accept working for a vampire and who can Kaen accept. Your scene layers your characters with personality. Great writing!

  5. I like that slip where he almost said hacker.

  6. Your dialogue moves quickly, so I have no problem with the extra lines; however, I see a few words that might need to be deleted. Since she stutters, we get the idea of her being apprehensive about recommending Murray, so I don’t think you need to say “defensively” when she flushes or after her other line. The dialogue should and does work to convey this. If you want to show the defensiveness, you could add an exclamation point on your “You won’t see him much!” I’d also remove the “Oh,” at the beginning and simply ask “Who?” Also, if Gregor is admitting he’s the best, why would she be defensive?

    I like the way Trini’s lines come off as hesitant and sloppy. It does a good job of showing her uneasiness with this conversation.

    Kaen said, but dark blue eyes fastened questioningly on Gregor. – Comes off as awkward. I feel like you added the description of the eyes just to show the reader what color eyes he had, so it feels forced.

    The dialogue moves quickly and is fabulous at the beginning but slows down at the end. I’d like to see you eliminate some of the tags to make the dialogue move faster, as it does at first.

    I like the way “Shy” becomes “reclusive.” Nice play on words. This is well done over all.

  7. Everyone knows someone like Murray.
    Attention-getting dialog and a Freudian slip, to boot!
    Couldn’t resist sending you this:

  8. Karen Michelle Nutt

    Well now I’m curious to meet the guy, too. :)

  9. siobhanmuir

    I agree with Joyce that you don’t need the adverbs, PT. And you don’t need “defensively” twice. Trust your dialog and it will say all you need. But I like the way this story is going and I think there’s something really interesting with Murray. Good snippet. :)

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